Champions
World Heavyweight Title: The Phoenix
Intercontinental Title: Johnny Maverick
Champions


09-23-2012


THE END TIMES!


We open up on Lisa Seldon.

Yup, Lisa Seldon. You knew it was coming but now it’s official and you have to accept it.

Despite her exciting (YES EXCITING~!) return, Lisa Seldon is asleep, because apparently she couldn’t give a fuck.

Laura Estella: Hey Lisa.

No reaction.

Laura Estella: Hey Lisa!

Less reaction than none, which seems unlikely but there you go.

Laura Estella: Hey Li – nope, never mind.

A hand reached into shot, slapping Lisa in the face and knocking her on the floor. Lisa then jumped up as the camera panned back and sure enough she’s sitting behind a desk… because that’s where she lives… in an office.

Lisa Seldon: What the hell are you doing, why are you hitting me and why do I have a job again? Didn’t I tank my company so I’d have more time to look at pictures of cats and grungy whores on the internet? And Borderlands? And other things I do? What of my priorities!?

Laura Estella: Your priorities are stupid. Also you got off your meds again and accidently signed back up to run the PWA. God knows why, it’s awful here. The people are all cunts and you neither like nor respect them. You certainly don’t care what happens to them, and knowing you you’ll probably just pick at them until they leave you and die.

Lisa Seldon: Wait a minute!

Lisa help up a hand, telling her to wait a minute.

Lisa Seldon: I’m choosing to ignore everything you said except for one thing. Are you saying I’m back in charge of that fucking hole?

Laura: Estella: Yes.

Lisa immediately reached into her desk, pulled out a gun and blew her brains out. Sadly the sweet release of death offered only a moment’s peace as she woke up to the feeling of Laura slapping her in the face.

Laura Estella: Now you listen here. Yes, you’re in charge of the PWA… and there is no gun in your desk.

Lisa Seldon: Motherfucker. Suppose I should get on with it.

Lisa Seldon set herself in her chair and got on with it.

Lisa Seldon Gets On With It


Lisa Seldon: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it is I, again, being back, in charge.

Lisa leaves a gap for cheers. I'm sure they're out there somewhere.

Lisa Seldon: And as my first official declaration to the gathered and stinking masses, it is my pleasure to announce that Emily Corlen has quit for reasons I don't care about. As such, not only do we have we freed up enough money from the catering budget to hire 14 more wrestlers, five of which will be robots made of solid gold, we also have space for a new world champion. Lot's of space in fact, considering who gave it up.

Lisa nods, because she's right and we need to fill this gap so it doesn't look like she's rambling forever.

Lisa Seldon: And rather than waste time with some kind of well thought out title eliminator, we're going to decide a new champion tonight when Jethro Hayes meets Spectre.

Pause pause pause!

Lisa Seldon: Actually that's a lie, I'm going to think on it more, giving our technicians time to realign the strap so it can once again fit around the waist of a normal sized person.

Lisa throws a thumbs up, and this time we actually get to leave.

Time For A Reminder


Backstage, presumably.

The room is darkened but looks to be an unused hallway. The Phoenix is standing in the lone bit of light.

The Phoenix: I have work for you.

A hooded figure, slightly shorter than the Phoenix steps forward, partially into the light.

The Phoenix: The lesson I taught Jethro is fading from his memory. The happy-go-lucky pig farmer is trying to put the animal back in the cage. I can't allow that to happen. I've unlocked Jethro's true potential, but I can't let him hide from it. So tonight, you will make certain that he doesn't win his match. Do whatever you must, but make sure he bleeds. Jethro needs to be reminded the price he has to pay for greatness.

The hooded figure nods, then turns and melts back into the shadows.

Well Enough is Enough!


We fade in backstage to the locker room of the artist formerly known as Spectre, Benjamin Dyce. He’s lacing up his boots as Maya paces the room, trying to calm her frayed nerves.

Maya: Hayes is big, baby. I don’t just mean his physical size. He’s a superstar.

Dyce leans back and nods.

Benjamin Dyce: Ay maybe he is. But the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Maya: The same can be said about you.

Dyce ignores the comment. Maya shakes her head and lights a cigarette, looking incredibly stressed. It’s a heavy contrast from how calm and collected Benjamin Dyce himself looks.

Man: Am I catching you at a bad time guys?

A hooded figure opens the locker room door, dressed in a black hoodie and black sweat pants. Maya looks up for a moment in fear, and then sighs in relief. The man pulls back his hoodie.

Adrian Kalis: Hey sis.

Benjamin Dyce: Before you think about it Adrian, I don’t need your help like your sister does.

Adrian smirks, crossing his arms and shaking his head.

Adrian Kalis: Oh, no. I know that. And besides, Hayes is… or was, a member of The Order of Chaos before I disbanded us. So he’s a friend of mine, and I wouldn’t dare think of costing him a match.

Maya: Then what’re you doing here Adrian? Sticking your nose in my business?

Benjamin Dyce: I’m sure it’s my business, not yers doll.

Dyce rises to his feet and steps forward. He looms over Adrian, who has to tilt his head back to look the big man in the eyes.

Adrian Kalis: Yeah. It is your business.

Benjamin Dyce: Ay. So what’s it to you?

Adrian smirks and pats Dyce on the chest.

Adrian Kalis: I think it’s time you woke everyone up again, Big Ben.

Adrian yanks the cigarette from Maya’s lips and takes a drag for himself.

Adrian Kalis: It’s time to take the bull by the horns.

Maya is still looking bitter that Adrian stole her cigarette, but Dyce seems to understand what Adrian is talking about.

Adrian Kalis: You know what to do.

Adrian takes one last drag off the cigarette before handing it back to his sister, pulling the hood back over himself and slipping out of the locker room.

Maya: The hell does all that mean?

Benjamin smirks.

Benjamin Dyce: You’ll see, sweetheart.

Dyce turns and moves back towards his locker as we fade.

Cody Bogard vs Justin Case vs Thomas Manchster Black vs Dagger

Fabulously Fatal Fourway


Originally scheduled to be a fourway, only to be amped up to a fiveway, only to then be amped up too far that it actually reset and went back to a fourway, the eventual match proved be as action packed as you could hope from four people who’s job it is to get absolutely and retardedly injured for the amusement of those watching.

Sadly the match itself proved to be too awesome to properly recap in such a small space of time. In fact to even try would be such a massive insult to the match, wrestling and life itself that we would probably be locked up and gang-raped on a daily basis. Sufficed to say it was awesome, they all did lots of moves and the person in charge of putting this recap together is not breezing through it so they could get to bed.

Seriously.

A million moves later Dagger scored the win over TMB, who hit his finisher on Bogard, who hit his finisher on Case who originally hit his finisher on Dagger but long enough before the end that she had time to recover.

CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN REACTION!

Elena Simonova vs Emperor Ian

Singles Match


All the lights go black. Low red strip lights come on to line the ramp down to the ring. War of Change by Thousand Foot Krutch begins blaring over the speakers as the house lights come up. Now Elena can be seen crouched low with her back to the audience; a red and white spotlight on each side of the stage begin rotating side to side. Elena spins to face the audience while she rises, as a cascading curtain of red pyro falls behind her. Elena walks down to the ring and pulls herself up onto the ring apron, leans back on the top rope and back flips into the ring.

Eric Emerson: Introducing, from New York City, weighting in at 115 lbs. She is your Grizzly Beer champion, Elena Simonova!

"Manic Depression" by Carnivore plays as Ian comes out in street clothes with a bottle of Captain Morgan Black. He takes a swig and places the bottle on the steps as he enters the ring.

Brian Rentfro: God, Ian's already drunk, isn't he?

Jon McDaniel: Possibly, let's hope he sober enough to focus on the task at hand.

Eric Emerson: And her opponent, from Imperial County, California. Weighting in at 225 lbs., Emperor Ian!

The bell rings and Elena strikes first with a kick to the midsection. She executes a snap neck breaker, and goes for a quick pin.

1
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
3!

Brian Rentfro: What the hell? Is that it?

Jon McDaniel: I guess so. Maybe he is too drunk to wrestle.

Eric Emerson: Your Winner, Elena Simonova!

Elena looks amused as the ref raises her hand. Ian gets up and retrieves his booze.

The victor asks for a mic and receives one.

Elena: What the hell was that Ian? I know you suck, but that was pitiful even for you.

Ian doesn't acknowledge her, walking up the ramp drinking.

Elena: You're a disgrace Ian. If you're not going to make an effort, why don't you quit and spare all of us the annoyance of watching you embarrass yourself and this sport?

Ian still ignores her. She sighs and puts down the mic.

Brian Rentfro: Well at least it was quick.

Jon McDaniel: We only have three matches tonight. We may need some filler.

Brian Rentfro: Well now we have time for more commercials. Let's watch some now.

(cut to commercial)





NOPE!

And It's Time For A Change


As Elena begins walking up the entrance ramp she turns around and raises her arms in victory one more time to the adulation of the fans.

Brian Rentfro: Yeah, yeah. We get it.

Jon McDaniel: Oh God LOOK OUT!

From behind, Benjamin Dyce comes running from the curtains and smashes her in the back of the head with a steel chair with thunderous impact and lightning precision. Elena goes flying forward and hits the steel ramp hard. Dyce calmly walks up behind her and lifts the chair high over his head again and smashes it down over Elena’s face, the crowd booing loudly. Elena seems out cold and we can see Maya behind Dyce, applauding him and grinning wide. Dyce lifts Elena up into his arms, and carries her up the entrance ramp. He then grabs her neck and hoists her up with his right hand, slamming his fists hard into her chest and into her ribs before chokeslamming her off the entrance stage down a few feet below through sound equipment and tables.

Brian Rentfro: The Spectre’s Call! What devastation!

The crowd is in utter shock as Benjamin Dyce lifts up the fallen PWA Grizzly Beer title and chucks it down to Elena, lifting his arms high in the air with fists clenched.

Jon McDaniel: I think Benjamin Dyce has just made a statement, Brian.

Brian Rentfro: Astute observation, Jon. Really!

“The Beginning is The End is The Beginning” by Smashing Pumpkins hits and Maya jumps Dyce, wrapping her legs around his waist and he walks backstage carrying her and smiling as the crowd boos louder and louder.

I Tried To Be A Nice Guy



We fade backstage now to the parking lot where Adrian Kalis, still decked out in all black and a hoodie makes his way to his jet black Mercedes-Benz AMG but is quickly being rushed by Bud Adams, a microphone and a PWA camera crew.

Bud Adams: Adrian! Adrian! Glad we caught you before you left!

Adams huffs and puffs as he comes to a stop at Adrian.

Adrian Kalis: What’d you want?

Adrian pulls down his hoodie, lights a cigarette and leans against his car.

Bud Adams: What was all that back there? Why did Benjamin Dyce just attack the PWA Grizzly Beer Champion, Elena Simonova?

Adrian Kalis: Cause Corlen wasn’t booked tonight? How am I supposed to know, Bud?

Bud Adams: Well you confronted him earlier tonight, and in hindsight it seems you goaded him into making this attack?

Adrian blows smoke at Bud Adams, who coughs. How rude.

Adrian Kalis: I only told him what he needed to hear. Big Ben and I go back, you know.

Bud Adams: But why Elena?

Adrian Kalis: That was his decision. He’s merely grabbing the bull by the horns and taking charge. Throwing a little chaos into the mix. Now, if you’ll excuse me? I’ve got a flight to catch.

Adrian opens the drivers side door but Bud Adams doesn’t seem to relent.

Bud Adams: Wait! One more question!

Adrian turns and chucks the cigarette.

Adrian Kalis: Yeah?

Bud Adams: Is this a move by a reinvigorated Order of Chaos?

Adrian laughs and pushes Bud Adams back.

Adrian Kalis: No, Bud. The Order of Chaos is dead in the AoWF.

Bud Adams: In the AoWF? Does that mean it’s still-

He gets into the car and slams the door shut. As the engine roars and Adrian speeds out of the parking lot, we fade to ringside…

Jethro Hayes vs Benjamin Dyce

Singles Match


The two made their way down to the ring with their respective entrances; Jethro Hayes received a great pop from the crowd as he came out and Benjamin Dyce was a mixed bag of boos and mild cheers. Neither crowd reactions affected either man as they were too focused on the ring and their opponent to do anything else. The match started how you would expect it; a fucking brawlfest that left both men bloodied and battered. Seriously, it went like eight straight minutes of what seemed to be a boxing match where these two men were just trying to beat the shit out of each other. The crowd was eating it up and then the two started to wrestle, which was fine. Dyce was showing his immense skills in the ring by being able to ground Jethro Hayes and punish him severely on the mat. Hayes overcame Dyce on a quite a few occasions with his heart and determination, overpowering Dyce and even Plowing him into the turnbuckles! That got Hayes a near fall, but Dyce was resilient and kicked out at two.

Hayes was on the offensive and really let Dyce have it a few times with some strikes and a huge running powerslam. However, Dyce slipped out of a german suplex attempt from Hayes and lit Hayes up with a big boot to the face. It knocked Hayes to the ground and Dyce went for the cover, only to get a two. Dyce was feeling the momentum shifting toward him and tried for The Guillotine, but Hayes rolled out of the way just in time! The crowd was on their feet as both men were exhausted from the hell they put each other through, waiting to see who would come out on top!

Jon McDaniel: Holy shit, I hope nothing ruins this amazing match at this precise moment.

Suddenly, two Hooded Figures came rushing down the rampway, one noticeably bigger than the other, and they both got into the ring. Hayes was on his feet and he noticed the attack coming his way. One of the Hooded Figures tried for a diving forearm to Hayes, but Hayes ducked out of the way and the Hooded Figure hit Benjamin Dyce instead! Dyce was going after Hayes when it happened, and the PWA referee calls for the bell instantly because this ain't Rebel Pro. We have rules.

DING DING DING!!

Eric Emerson: And your winner by disqualification... Benjamin Dyce!

That was all she wrote as Hayes was quickly blind-sided by the other Hooded Figure with a 2x4! Hayes is busted wide open and down to a knee, as the other Hooded Figure delivers some stiff kicks to Jethro's back. Dyce snarls at the announcement, rolling out of the ring and getting the fuck out of there. The Hooded Figures continue to do their damage to Jethro Hayes as the crowd boos heavily.

Jon McDaniel: There's the Virus!

Brian Rentfro: About time!

Matthew Engel hops the barricade coming through the crowd and runs in, but the Hooded Figures saw him coming a mile away and scattered, heading up the rampway and disappearing backstage. Jethro Hayes rises up to his feet, his face covered in blood as the crowd continues to boo this heinous attack. Hayes is a bit dizzy, but holding his own with the help of the ropes.

Jon McDaniel: And Engel isn't too pleased with his partner, it seems like.

Brian Rentfro: Well can you blame him? This is twice now Hayes has allowed these hooded figures to meddle in their business. Talk about being a weak link.

Matthew Engel: What the hell are you doing, Hayes?!

Engel's voice is loud enough for the entire front ten rows to hear him, including open mics and rolling cameras. Hayes just shakes his head, then makes his case that he was attacked from behind. Engel doesn't really care.

Matthew Engel: Wake the fuck up, Jethro. We're the best in this business, you need to grow eyes in the back in your head. I can't be watching out for you every single moment.

Engel shakes his head and leaves the ring, leaving Jethro to clean himself up.

Jon McDaniel: A little tension here between Second 2 None, hopefully that clears up before their big match next Monday.

Brian Rentfro: Engel is just letting Hayes know how it is and that he won't tolerate this anymore. He's being a good partner.

Jon McDaniel: None of this was Jethro's fault, Brian.

Lisa Hates Her Life


We're back in Lisa's office, where she's currently looking at the roof beams and wondering if they would be strong enough to support her while she hung herself.

Not that there would be any point. She'd only wake up again in the same place.

Lisa Seldon: Well, that was some crazy shit, wasn't it? Wheels can walk and is wrestling just as well as he ever did... which is not very. The Phoenix is still alive; that one match had all the moves and who is this mysterious figure in black? I know I don't care, but you might, so join us next week when I promise we will have the answer, 100%, no word of a lie, as well as an exciting update on who will be challenging for the PWA World Title. Though in time honoured PWA tradition, I'll probably just give it to me, and fuck all y'all.

Lisa throws a double thumbs up this time, indicating her obviously growing enthusiasm for the job. She isn't still thinking about killing herself because of all of you.